Top 10 Things I’m NOT Thankful for This Joyous Holiday Season

And no, I’m not the Jewish version of Scrooge.  As a working mom of two toddlers with a stellar support system, trust me, I’m thankful for a helluva lot.  (And Grammy is just waiting for her debut in one of these listicles).  But there’s also a few (or more) things that I’m not so thankful for, so here goes.

1. Kids grocery carts. 

At first, I thought Trader Joe was the only a-hole that came up with this not so brilliant idea, but nope, now they are available at Jewel.  I can’t even imagine how much I’m being sued for the amount of heel injuries due to my daughters steering of this very dangerous “vehicle” into the back of other shoppers feet.   And no worries, it’s not like the addition of these mini carts to the grocery store visit that is already a shit show, triples the time spent there.  Member, I’ve got all the time in the world.

2. Really cute baby boys. 

In the past week, I have gotten my hands on the 3 cutest baby boys you ever did see…you know who you are, but if you don’t, because you are a baby and can’t read, then what up Luke, Robbie & Parker.  When I took my girls to recently meet a 6 week old handsome little dude and staged a picture of him between them, my heart melted and I wanted to run home and make a little brother.  But I didn’t, calm down.  I held him for awhile and my back started to hurt.  I fed him and burped the cute little bobble headed kid and could not have been happier that I didn’t have to wash that damn bottle.  And then the icing on the cake was when he was getting his diaper changed and pissed on the wall.  I know they have these pee pee tee pees and all, but that just doesn’t look fun.  Lastly, a bris just weirds me out.  I guess I’m just not cut out (pun intended) to be a boy mom.  Ya, sure, the thought of a little brother for my girls sounds cute and all, but the reality is, I know I’d have a red headed girl instead.  So, looks like the blonde and brunette sister duo will just have to do. 

3. Kids grilled cheese. 

Because God forbid a child actually likes crust.  Therefore, they eat 2-3 bites of each half, since even being 1-2 inches away from the crust is dangerous.  The remainder on the plate just keeps calling my name….”Laura, eat me….”  And I’m a good listener, unlike my toddlers, so of course, I do just that.

4. Insane Romaine 2018. 

Cuz let’s face it, an iceberg salad just isn’t good.  And how much kale can one really eat?  How am I supposed to feel better about the kids grilled cheese I just ate, if I can’t even safely order a salad to balance it all out?

5. The location of Prentice hospital. 

Listen, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love meeting my friend’s newborn babies, but why does Prentice have to be such a pain in the ass to get to?  It took me 24 minutes from the time I got off at the Ohio ramp to park somewhat near the hospital.  Mind you, that is less than 2 miles away. Then once you circle the city trying to find a parking spot so you don’t have pay a small fortune to park in the garage, you then have to trek to the hospital entrance, sign in, take the elevator, wander around trying to find the room until you finally get your hands on that bundle of joy.  Can’t you people give birth at Highland Park hospital?  That commute would really work better with my schedule.  Just consider it.

6. Other people’s insanely clean and organized homes. 

How?  Why? When?  Just explain how in the hell you do it.  It is my life goal to keep a clean and organized home, I just don’t understand how it’s humanly possible.  Have you seen those playrooms where everything is put back in its appropriate box, shelf, bin at any given moment?  Like how?  The amount of Barbie pieces scattered on my playroom floor is beyond me.  It’s like they multiply by the day, yet each one of Barbie’s high heels is still missing its mate.  But why even clean it up at night when they will get right back to it after breakfast?  Send help.

7. Incessant email marketing reminding me of deals. 

And yes, this is coming from the person that schedules e-marketing for a living.  OK I get it, Terez is 30% off.  Wait, now 35% off.  Hold up again, now 40% off.  Are they on crack?  From Thanksgiving to Cyber Monday, I think I received 8-10 emails reminding me of this sale.  Plus, at this rate, in a few days, the site will be all free. I get it, you Terez people know that I’m a sucker and live for a good printed workout pant, but leave me alone already.  I’ve got two winter birthday parties to plan, and even though I finally succumbed to the Party City deal emails, I still have to save for all the custom party favors.

8. LOL Dolls. 

No matter how hard the inventor of this piece of crap tries to explain this piece of crap to me, I will never understand how someone enjoys this piece of crap.  Not only is it a piece of crap, it is an expensive piece of crap, that I can’t seem to hide from because they sell it everywhere.  And what’s with the magnifying glass for the code?  That’s just plain rude to do to parents. And what about the plastic ball that it once lives in?  Do I keep that?  And to top it off, now I have to buy LOL underwear, because as if the toy obsession wasn’t enough, we now have to wear it. But I will say, it works well as a bribe, so I guess after all that, I am sorta-kinda thankful for that piece of crap. Did I mention it’s a piece of crap? 

9. Leftover Halloween candy. 

And nope, not because I want to eat it, because I truly only care about red and pink Dots and yellow and green Skittles.  It’s because on Thanksgiving, my lovely daughters snagged their bag of leftover candy and hid behind the living room couch, quietly inhaled some, and then left said bag there.  The following day, we came home to the entire bag dumped out on the area rug with empty wrappers and plain M&Ms everywhere.  Why you ask?  Because apparently Otis, my cute canine son, really enjoys chocolate, especially Peanut M&Ms.  So my Black Friday then turned into the most expensive one I’d ever had, with an overnight stay at the emergency vet.  Don’t worry, he’s fine now, and really pumped for Hanukkah gelt and Valentine’s boxes of chocolates.

10. Thank you notes. 

Oh thank you notes, how I hate writing you.  Not that I’m not super thankful for the fantastic gifts you’ve given my children on their birthdays that are less than a month after Hanukkah and each other’s respective dates, it’s just I’m about to have carpal tunnel from writing them.  The only saving grace is that my oldest can just about write.  Plus, if you invest in the custom fill in the blank ones (thank you @PuttArt), you’ve cut down your time (that you don’t have) drastically.  Thank God I don’t have to write you people a thank you note for actually reading this…

And you thought ‘Tis the season to be jolly, silly you.

Oh, and happy holidays.