Top 10 Things You Need to Stay Sane with Two Toddlers

Got Two Toddlers?  Me too!

Here are the top 10 things you’ll need in your life to stay semi-sane, and yes, wine is on the list.

1. A goddamn sense of humor.

Because not only are toddlers a royal pain in the ass, they are often rather comical. Like when your 2.5 year old flips out at a kosher dinner because there isn’t any sausage pizza. Or when your toddler glances at the overweight man in the swimming pool and yells “that man has big boobies,” followed by “I just peed.” Or when your daughter is watching you go to the bathroom and change your tampon and asks you why you are putting a “pen in your butt.”  Which is why I often turn to posting Insta-stories on a nightly basis so others can laugh with me.

2. Acceptance that holidays might suck for a while.  

This past Mother’s Day was spent in the ER with my toddler who had a urine infection.  That joyous occasion was then followed by my birthday, which was spent dealing with the most epic tantrum of all time, literally all day long. Bitch owes me next year, big time.

3. An understanding that traveling with kids is a trip, not a vacation.

These are two very different terms.  A vacation is leisurely, traveling with kids is not.  A vacation is something you look forward to, traveling with kids, let’s be honest, is often not.

4. A friend that you can bitch to all f’ing day.  

Like, literally from sun-up to sun-down. Who won’t judge you, who supports every dumb parenting decision you make, who actually cares what time your kid woke up.  They are your go-to for literally everything.

5. Wine. Just wine.  

Doesn’t matter what kind, just fill up my damn glass.  I made a rule for myself about a year ago that I wouldn’t drink Sunday-Wednesday. Sunday, fine, I often drink too much Saturday. Monday, often a tough day to get through, but I can resist.  By Tuesday, I’m literally hanging on by thread. Wednesday, I mean, there’s just no more waiting, screw the damn rule. Look, I’m not talking about downing a bottle, it’s often just a glass (or two) but it takes the damn edge off of coping with, well, life.

6. A dedicated moms night out.  

Oh Thursday nights, how I love thee. It is my dedicated night to go out for dinner with girls.  I don’t care who you are, but if you have a vagina, you can have dinner with me that night. There’s actual video footage of me skipping out of my house on a Thursday night because a) I just got out of bedtime, b) I’m about to drink and c) I can have a multi-course meal and eat hot food without someone sitting on my lap.

7. Real housewives. Fine, and Southern Charm.  

There is nothing like decompressing after a long day of work and parenting BS than getting in bed and zoning out to an episode of Real Housewives of New York. I may or may not even be munching on a bag of Skinny Pop in bed while doing so. Something my husband is oh so fond of, especially when he finds kernels in the bed. Whoopsy daisy. #sorrynotsorry

8. A good sweat sesh.

Because I’d much rather start my day with a good workout, than a toddler tantrum.  Plus, then I can burn off some of those extra calories from the wine, moms night out, and/or both.

9. The best nanny on the planet.  

And this has nothing to do with the fact that she folds my thongs like origami when she does the laundry. It’s because I can go to work on a daily basis knowing that my kids are in the absolute best care with someone who loves them like they are their own.

10. Popsicles and lollipops.  

Because they both take a long time to eat and keep a kid quiet for an extended period of time. So just invest…in a lot of them. (Apologies to whoever is reading this and actually cares about their children’s dental health.)

So, that about sums it up. These ten things will keep you afloat during those tough times of raising toddlers, and probably beyond.  You can thank me later.