10 Things I Wish I Could Make My Toddlers Appreciate Before They Become Adults and Look Back With Regret

Listen up, kids. When you learn to write, you’ll want to write this down.

1 . Sleep is not evil…Sleep is ERRRRYthing.

Stop fighting it.  Embrace it. Enjoy it.  Say goodnight and just go the f to sleep.  At first, pre-kids, I thought that book “Go The F to Sleep” was cute. But now, I can just imagine the hell that author went through before they wrote it.  

The amount of questions, special requests, questions, ludacris thoughts, and did I say questions, that go on after my first of many goodnights sometimes feels like Chinese torture…not that I know what that feels like, but I imagine its just brutal.

PS – please don’t call me later in life when your kids are waking you up in the middle of the night to fix the crease in your blanket, cause I’ll be making up for the lost sleep you caused me during your toddler years.

2. Food is your friend.  

Enjoy that crap now before you have to start swapping cauliflower rice for fried rice and zucchini noodles for real pasta.  What I would give for someone to literally force and bribe me to finish my damn mac and cheese and crush a chicken nugget. Do it, I dare you.

3. McDonald’s after every doctor visit.  

Cause you know what I get after I go to the doctor now…NADA!  Yup, no high five, no pat on the back, no lollipop…I just get back in my car and go back to work to a pile of emails that are anxiously awaiting my reply.  Nope, no happy meal, just unhappy emails.

4. Naps.  

Do you even know what I would pay to take a goddam nap these days?  Even just a 15 minute cat nap? It still boggles my mind how when my kids did take naps (which only lasted 2 and 2.5 years respectively), they woke up so damn cranky.  Like why the hell aren’t you waking up refreshed and in a good mood? Did you not get enough R.E.M. in that cycle? Poor, poor you.

5. Strollers.

I mean how nice would it be to sit back, relax and get pushed around in the summer heat, or when you just feel lazy, or when you are legit too tired to walk – well, I wouldn’t know, because I’m too damn busy sweating bullets while pushing a double stroller up hill and down hill and around the hills at Great America and Santa’s Village.  Sure hope you kids had fun.

6. A personal, unpaid stylist.  

Someone who makes sure you look damn cute on a daily basis. That fills your closet and drawers on a weekly basis with the latest trends -- the newest Pixielane print, the custom Patch Place dress and Splatitude leggings.  

Because where else would I dare put my working mom paycheck towards? Did I mention the overflowing drawer of shorts and tanks with tags on them for the 2.5 year old toddler that insisted on only wearing a dress that twirled for the entire summer?  

Nope, not bitter AT. ALL. Anyone in need of a summer toddler wardrobe?

7. Dessert nightly.  

Even after the empty threats of “if you don’t eat a nice dinner, you don’t get dessert.” Because let’s face it, the whining and tears and negotiating that ensue when you pretend to follow through with the threat just isn’t worth it.  

So enjoy that popsicle a day, and hopefully it keeps the doctor away. Hey, it’s sugar free anyways.

8. Being chauffeured around with a personal DJ.  

Being a Mom is kind of like being an Uber driver, except we don’t get rated, or paid for that matter. And hopefully passengers are nicer to their Uber drivers than my kids are to me when screaming and fighting about their song requests.  

Oh and when you are done with that snack you absolutely needed for the 7 minute car drive right after breakfast that you refused to eat, please just throw it on the floor or the seat, I’ll just pick it up in a few days after it rots, cause after all, it’s one of my 13 side jobs, on top of my full time job.

9. That people think a belly and big thighs in a bikini are cute #AF.  

Cause hunny, that won’t last forever. Before you know it, you’ll be wearing your lululemon shorts over your one piece Mom suit.

10. Someone to wipe your ass.

Does this one really need an explanation?  My hand is basically a personal bidet – sometimes on 4 asses a day between mine, both girls, and whoever is over for a play date that without fail always has to take a massive poop at my house.  Ain’t that some shit?!

So there you have, yet another listicle of the life lessons I hope to teach my toddlers before its too late.  

Wish me luck.